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I've finally lost it.
Dec. 21st, 2003 04:38 pmI have finally gone over the edge. Off the deep end. My marbles are officially misplaced.
I am ridiculously bored and agitated. I pace all over the house, I channel surf like it's my job, and I open up a million websites but then close them before they open because of how slow the dialup is. What is wrong with me?
It doesn't help that I am feeling pretty lonely lately, even with my family around. That warmth I felt when I first got home has disapated to almost gone. They are used to me being here so no one feels like having to spend time with me.
I'm also away from Kevin. And even though he and I said before I left, "it's only a month," I am now at the stage where that sentance hase become "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS MONTH SO DAMN LONG I WANT TO SEE MY BOYFRIENDS SMILING FACE AS HE KISSES ME DAMNIT!" Yes. Quite a dramatic change but it's true.
As much as I want to see him it's hard to talk to him because he is so far away and I am so uninteresting. I don't want to bore him with "what are you up to?"s and "me? nothing as usual." NOTHING IS NEW HERE. Why would he want to talk to me being all boring after working all day and being all exhausted?
I am at the point that I'm so bored I can't think of anything to do, and when something to do comes around, I am to bored and agitated to fully enjoy it. Luckily Robert comes home tomorrow (hopefully). He's good at taking away the boredom.
In other news: Xmas eve and Xmas are coming up. What? didn't you know?
Well that means for me...time with the family.
Not family family....EXTENDED family. aka the uncles, aunts, and g-parents. Most years my sister and I get bored, wander off, joke around about everything, and sit in a corner. But this year my sister has thrown a wrench in out tradition.
She is bringing her first boyfriend.
What does that mean for me? I will be bombarded by glances. No. No one will actually ask me "Where's MY girlfriend." no. but they will hint at it.
Well except my dad's mom. The response "No time for girls, gotta STUDY" usually does the trick.
I actually thought about telling my relatives that I'm "one of the gays" this year but I decided against it seeing how my birthday party turned out. I turned fucking 21, one of the biggest birthdays a person can have, and you would have thought it was a funeral. BARELY anyone but my friends spoke to me. My mother had to ask me really loudly "How is schooooool going again?" Like she didn't know, that way everyone could hear, and not have to ask me in person. Because she knew that was the only question they could think to use to facilitate conversation.
So sad. So I decided not to tell them, and if they find out they find out. No sweat. I just don't feel like being the one to drive the wedge into out relationships to the point where NO ONE speaks to me.
Wow. Sorry about the long post. I just haven't had much intimate contact with anyone for a long time.
I am ridiculously bored and agitated. I pace all over the house, I channel surf like it's my job, and I open up a million websites but then close them before they open because of how slow the dialup is. What is wrong with me?
It doesn't help that I am feeling pretty lonely lately, even with my family around. That warmth I felt when I first got home has disapated to almost gone. They are used to me being here so no one feels like having to spend time with me.
I'm also away from Kevin. And even though he and I said before I left, "it's only a month," I am now at the stage where that sentance hase become "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS MONTH SO DAMN LONG I WANT TO SEE MY BOYFRIENDS SMILING FACE AS HE KISSES ME DAMNIT!" Yes. Quite a dramatic change but it's true.
As much as I want to see him it's hard to talk to him because he is so far away and I am so uninteresting. I don't want to bore him with "what are you up to?"s and "me? nothing as usual." NOTHING IS NEW HERE. Why would he want to talk to me being all boring after working all day and being all exhausted?
I am at the point that I'm so bored I can't think of anything to do, and when something to do comes around, I am to bored and agitated to fully enjoy it. Luckily Robert comes home tomorrow (hopefully). He's good at taking away the boredom.
In other news: Xmas eve and Xmas are coming up. What? didn't you know?
Well that means for me...time with the family.
Not family family....EXTENDED family. aka the uncles, aunts, and g-parents. Most years my sister and I get bored, wander off, joke around about everything, and sit in a corner. But this year my sister has thrown a wrench in out tradition.
She is bringing her first boyfriend.
What does that mean for me? I will be bombarded by glances. No. No one will actually ask me "Where's MY girlfriend." no. but they will hint at it.
Well except my dad's mom. The response "No time for girls, gotta STUDY" usually does the trick.
I actually thought about telling my relatives that I'm "one of the gays" this year but I decided against it seeing how my birthday party turned out. I turned fucking 21, one of the biggest birthdays a person can have, and you would have thought it was a funeral. BARELY anyone but my friends spoke to me. My mother had to ask me really loudly "How is schooooool going again?" Like she didn't know, that way everyone could hear, and not have to ask me in person. Because she knew that was the only question they could think to use to facilitate conversation.
So sad. So I decided not to tell them, and if they find out they find out. No sweat. I just don't feel like being the one to drive the wedge into out relationships to the point where NO ONE speaks to me.
Wow. Sorry about the long post. I just haven't had much intimate contact with anyone for a long time.
