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my heart hurts.
Jan. 7th, 2004 08:34 amI have another 20 minutes before I have to walk to class so I guess I'll fill everyone in.
At 4:30am tuesday morning Kevin broke up with me. We had gone to free pool and stayed until the club closed and then on the way home we started talking and drove around for an hour and half.
When I say we, mostly I mean him.
There are so many reasons that he said he couldn't be with me, and from his point of view they are all valid. From mine some of them aren't, but I'm not kevin. Basically ALL three of my relationship fears came true with him all at once.
What those three are, you'll have to ask me in person. I don't feel like explaining them this morning.
I told him how I used to feel like anywhere we went, when he looked at me I felt like I was the only one in the room. But lately I've felt like I wasn't even in the room anymore. I wanted to scream HOW CAN I FIX THIS??? but it's not for me to fix. Kevin has stuff to deal with, and like EVERY OTHER relationship I've had everything is out of my control.
I want to be legitly mad at him. It would make this so much easier. I still want to hang out with him and go out to eat with him as friends, but if I could just find reasons to be spiteful it wouldn't be so painful right now. But I can't. I never can.
Some people can just turn on hateful feelings towards a person, but I still care a lot for him and can't get the sentance "If this is what makes him happy, then this is what needs to happen" out of my head. Am I being walked on? Is 4 months too long of a time to make his reason's valid? I don't know.
All I do know is I don't know what to do now.
At 4:30am tuesday morning Kevin broke up with me. We had gone to free pool and stayed until the club closed and then on the way home we started talking and drove around for an hour and half.
When I say we, mostly I mean him.
There are so many reasons that he said he couldn't be with me, and from his point of view they are all valid. From mine some of them aren't, but I'm not kevin. Basically ALL three of my relationship fears came true with him all at once.
What those three are, you'll have to ask me in person. I don't feel like explaining them this morning.
I told him how I used to feel like anywhere we went, when he looked at me I felt like I was the only one in the room. But lately I've felt like I wasn't even in the room anymore. I wanted to scream HOW CAN I FIX THIS??? but it's not for me to fix. Kevin has stuff to deal with, and like EVERY OTHER relationship I've had everything is out of my control.
I want to be legitly mad at him. It would make this so much easier. I still want to hang out with him and go out to eat with him as friends, but if I could just find reasons to be spiteful it wouldn't be so painful right now. But I can't. I never can.
Some people can just turn on hateful feelings towards a person, but I still care a lot for him and can't get the sentance "If this is what makes him happy, then this is what needs to happen" out of my head. Am I being walked on? Is 4 months too long of a time to make his reason's valid? I don't know.
All I do know is I don't know what to do now.
